My family went through a difficult trial recently which put me on an emotional roller coaster ride. I experienced bouts of mental anguish and emotional despair as we tried to cope with the evolving situation and weighed the consequences before us.
Though I am a pastor for more that 10 years, I still found myself crying out in pain. I struggled to understand God's will and cannot comprehend how this will ultimately turn out good for me and my family.
Truths to Hold On
I frantically searched in my mind for God's truths to find comfort and hope in them:
"God is sovereign, there is nothing outside His knowledge and control."
"We are all sinners deserving of judgment and unworthy of His grace. We should not think that God owes us anything nor are we deserving of God to work for us."
"Yet God loves and cares, we must look back at the Cross and know that if He did not spare His Son but gave Him up for us, will He not freely give us all things?"
"God is good and will work all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes."
"God's eyes are on the righteous and He remembers those who put their hope in His name. "
"God's ways are higher. we must look forward and believe there is a future providence and a greater purpose, that we cannot yet comprehend."
"What we are going through is common to man. We are not the only one going through this. We are not alone."
"God has chosen us to go through this so that we can comfort others with the comfort we received from Him. "
The Storm Rages On
Yet, the remembrance of these truths brought me little consolation whatsoever. A hurricane of emotions raged on within me.
I felt pain, anguish, despair and hopelessness.
I felt regretful, bombarded by many self-blaming questions.
I felt angry and betrayed by the systems of this world and her cold bureaucracy, and also with those who gave us empty promises.
I felt confused as I wondered why God allowed this to happen. Why did He make a way for us only to take it away later?
I felt disappointed that God did not answer my prayers. Why did He remain hidden though I pleaded with Him again and again to reveal His assuring presence to my family?
I felt fearful and worried. Would this painful episode become an unresolved issue in our lives? How will it impact the faith of my family? Will we still be able to trust God and follow Him without reservation?
Last but not least, I felt embarrassed. For I know that what we were going through pale in comparison to those who are suffering from terminal diseases, who have lost their loved ones and homes through a war or natural disaster, and of the persecuted church who is dying for her faith.
Cognitively, I know that these negative emotions do not in anyway negate God's truths. Even though my emotions are wild and chaotic, God's truths remain steadfast and true. Yet I wondered why God's truths did not seem to have any effect on calming my messy emotions.
Standing Firm
I have always thought that the secret of standing firm is to put on the full armour of God (Ephesians 6:10-17), that is, a person need to put on all the pieces of the armour in order to be able to stand firm in the day of trial and testing.
But Eph 6:13 says "Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm."
This means after having done the due diligence of putting on the whole armour of God, one is to stand firm. So standing firm is not the result of putting on the armour, but the accompanying action one needs to adopt after putting on the armour.
Thus having girded myself with God's truths, what's next for me to do now is to stand firm with these truths in the middle of the storm.
The Captain in the Boat
As the trial prolonged, the waves of emotions continued to rise and fall within me. Sometimes I felt light hearted and shared a laughter, but sometimes the crest of unanswered questions towered over me, threatening to overwhelm me.
Surely the Captain must have felt the rocking of the boat. Yet He chose to remain fast asleep in the stern.
For the time has not yet come.
So like a seaman in full battle gear, I set my face like flint in the battle-sea, undaunted by the stormy assault of my enemy. I fix my gaze at the faithful compass and stand firm, as I wait for my Captain to arise and calm the stormy sea.