I don't have friends in the church

A reflection on discipleship, church and community



I have heard Christians bemoan the fact that they are unable to find friends in the church. They claim it is easier to develop friendships with those outside the church.  Some even goes on to suggest that it is easier to find friends among those outside the household of God.

Why is this so?

Time Factor
On a normal weekday, we spend about 7 to 9 hours per day with our schoolmates or colleagues and about 3 to 5 hours per day with our family members. However on average, we spend only about 3 to 6 hours per week with the church community. Developing friendship demands time and proximity. It is no surprise that it is easier to develop friendship with the people we spend the most time with. Our ability to develop friendships in the community of Christ is proportionate to how much time we are willing to commit to it.

Values Factor
Birds of a feather flock together. We naturally are drawn towards those who are similar to us. We find it easier to connect with those who share the same interest and hobbies like us. Our closest friends are those who share our values and beliefs.  Our ability to develop friendships in the community of Christ is proportionate to the values that we share.

Expectations Factor
We all have expectations of what others ought to be. When our friends do not meet those expectations we become disappointed. Our expectations are shaped by our values and beliefs. Do we have lofty critical expectations on what a friend should be? Our ability to develop friendships in the community of Christ is proportionate to the expectations we have towards it.


If we are not able to find friends in the church, we need to ask ourselves the following questions: Are we willing to spend more time connecting with the members of the church? Do we find it easier to make friends with those outside the household of God because our values and beliefs are more similar with theirs?  Do we have unrealistic or unreasonable expectations on what the community of Christ should be? Are our expectations on friendship shaped by self-interest or by biblical understanding?

In John 15:13-15, Jesus speaks about friendship with His disciples. He calls them His friends, and explains why and what it means. Jesus' way of friendship becomes our model of developing biblical friendships.


1. Sacrificial service
“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

Jesus reveals that the greatest act of love we can show to our friends is found in sacrificial service. A friendship like this is not self-seeking, instead it gives oneself away in service for another.  It seeks to be an expression of God's love towards another. It is ready to expend time and energy to serve another. It asks: How can I affirm your worth as a child of God? How can my presence in your life point you to the redemptive work of Christ? How can I wash your feet? 


2. Aligned to Christ
“You are my friends if you do what I command you.” (John 15:14)

To develop a friendship with others that is self-giving, we must first enjoy an intimate friendship with Christ where we experience His abundant love meeting our deepest needs. It is only then can we enter into earthly relationships without expecting others to meet those needs which only God can. We’re no longer trying to get our friends' love to flow into us, but to let Christ's love in us flow into them. Developing an intimate friendship with Jesus will lead to mutual alignment between friends. We begin to share the same interest and values in Christ. The same pursuit and passion we have in Christ will draw us closer to each other. 


3. Authentic relationship
“No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (John 15:15)

Jesus invites us into an authentic relationship with Him whereby He will not hide anything from us. He invites us to share the intimacy He has with His Father. In the same way, our relationship with our friends must reach a point whereby we can be "naked and unashamed" before each other. We can do this only when we feel assured of our worth in Christ. When our identity is secured in Christ, we will have the restful courage to open up and be known by others. We are also able to receive each other freely because Christ has first loved and forgiven us freely. So it is in Jesus name that we are able to draw close to each other.


Friendships in Christ does not gravitate towards self-interest, worldly values and humanistic expectations. It is centred on Christ, flourishes in authenticity and feeds on sacrificial service. 

Therefore, let us orientate our friendships with others on Christ. To begin with, instead of asking "who is my friend?", let us learn to ask "who can I be a Christ-like friend to?"